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May 13th, 2006

01:51 pm grumbles between this account and my other one, i have some wicked icons i would love to add to my userpics. damnit, i think i'm going to have to do something about this only havin 6 userpics for my journal thing. i have some fantabulous (a word i made up) things. that's all for now! Current Mood: disappointed

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May 12th, 2006

09:53 pm - bang bang bang someone is moving in next door. at least that's what i hope is happening. there is a lot of banging and things shifting around. it seems like it's upstairs in my house but i know it isn't because i've checked. i thought it wa the cats at first. i don't know what the hell they are moving around. i haven't seen any type of truck with stuff come around here. i wonder if they'll stay a while. maybe they'll be young. hopefully they won't have teenage kids. maybe i'll make a new friend. i need new friends. real friends (nothing against those online) that i can be social with. that i can hang out with. that would exciting. Current Location: in front of the t v Current Mood: lonely

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May 10th, 2006

11:01 pm i am still thinking of getting a paid account. i just don't want to have to pay for it. i'm trying to see what is so good about a paid account besides about a billion more icons...which take me forever to find in the first place. so anyone want to give me a reason or five? Current Mood: exhausted

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10:16 am - friends only i've realized that the last couple of months or whatever that i've been doing a lot of friends only posts. so i guess for those people that use to read this journal because it was open. i'm still posting things. but the majority of posts are now friends only because i really just don't want anyone to be able to read my thoughts and who knows, i might be talking about you :P so  i guess the point of this post is if you really want to read my posts you'll just have to as to be added to my list. so comment and i'll think about adding you! maybe i'll even get one of these niffy little pictures that say friends only too....if you're lucky! Current Mood: blah

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May 2nd, 2006

09:52 am so i haven't really updated this in a little bit. not that anything really exciting has happened since i wrote last. i started my diet and well it's just going. i'm walking a little more and trying to watch what i put into it. and with every diet i've tried before, i watch way too much go into my mouth and not enough staying outside of it. oh well, so far i'm being pretty good and the weather is keeping up so i might just walk more. i might actually lose some weight and get to go shopping. yes shopping is the best. i love it. i want to shopping right now instead of going to work. when i was younger i never thought shopping was exciting and i just didn't get it. then somewhere in high school it became something fun and entertaining. i think that goes along with the shoe thing. i never understood why girls needed so many shoes. well that hit me also in high school. i didn't have the money to buy the expensive shoes, i just went to payless and bought them there. got to love bogo! hmmmm, i asked to be a specialist at old navy. i hope i get it or at least something a little more important at work. i'm one of the more reliable ones. i work tons of hours and always offering to work more. i don't know if i will get it due to my scheduling but i work like every day i have for availability. it's not something that is majorly important like a clothing section. i asked for cashwrap. i love being up there and working with the people. it's fun and makes the day go by fast. i think there is potential for me to get it. i hope so, if not, no big deal. i'll be a little mad at the person who does but i'll deal like a big girl. i don't know if you get any kind of incentives working as a specialist or what not, it would be cool. though i am already getting paid a little more then most of the other associates. i don't know why but i am. i didn't argue when they offered me the hourly wage. i figured some would be making more and some would be making less. but most of the people i've talked with have said they are making less then me. i just need the money and i'm not going to argue or what not. they obviously offered it to me for some reason, whether it be my experience, age, availability. who knows, i don't. i need to find a new job. i can't take the travel anymore to my current one (not old navy, love that). i have times when i'm driving home (ok so every time i drive home) where i don't remember the road. i pass out, black out, fall asleep. i don't know. i just wake up and bam i'm there. i've almost went off the road a few times because of it. it scares me. music doesn't help. chewing gum doesn't help anymore. eating doesn't help. drinking liquids doesn't help. i just don't find anything that will make it not happen. well besides the not working to the butt crack of dawn. damnit all to hell. i love working with kids, why can't the place like 7 miles down the road get their head out of their ass and hire me. alright enough of my speel. i'm tired and i don't want to go to work. Current Mood: tired Tags: diet, gjr, oldnavy, specialist. shopping

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April 27th, 2006

09:28 am Well, i haven't started this diet all too well. i've had more junk in the past week then i think i usually do. damnit why does it have to be so hard. i guess i'll just have to go to the store and buy some of those yummy meals to take with me when i'm at work. that should help with the having to get fast food since the food either sucks or because there is no other option. i have also decided since the weather is getting nicer. that i'm going to start to walk on my "fee" time. this means i need an ipod. yes i know. i have always said i have no reason to ever own on of those. especially since they cost so damn much and the music to download them costs so damn much. but alas, i'm thinking about eventually investing in one. i don't need one that has a billion of hours of play time. i don't think i can walk that long. i typically listen to the same songs all the time. and the only bad thing will be when i'm walking with this thing in my ears is that i have the habit of singing. and i bet i'll start singing loud enough for everyone else to hear me. and they will point and laugh and after the first day of walking i will be done. this means i'll also have to buy some workout clothes and all that other stuff. damnit. this is going to take much more effort then i want to right now. i am also thinking about paying for an account here. though i don't know what types of benefits i'll really reap from it. i mean i have a hard enough time finding icons that i really like or that i want. most of them i would want modified and what not. i don't know why i would need extra storage. i don't store things here i don't think. i just don't know why i would pay 20 bucks for something that i might not even remember to use too much. my life isn't exciting and not many people read these entries anyways. i have to find more friends to add. that should be fun. i guess that's all for the exciting life of Melissa. i just have to get off my ass for once in my life and do something about it. damnit all. i'll update later if anything exciting happens or if i'm super bored. Current Location: living room Current Mood: sleepy Current Music: daniel powter- had a bad day Tags: diet, ipod, livejournal

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April 21st, 2006

08:54 pm - no day but today! i have decided that i need to go on a diet. i'm tired of looking like this. i'm frustrated with my clothes getting bigger and bigger but feeling so tight against me. i want to have a shape. and no round isn't much of a shape. i want to feel and look sexy. i just don't feel like that. i've gained so much weight since college. i use to be able to potion control my food and lost weight. i just wish i had a friend around to help me out with the exercise. i probably will have to start posting things now to keep me on track. if you don't like reading it, skip over the post. i won't be offended at all. this is for me. i need to feel better about myself. i have such low self esteem that this is well needed. and the best part is that after i lose all this weight i can go on a shopping spree! i might get to fit into nonfat girl clothes. i might not have to to go to the plus size area. i might be able to just go and shop. this is way to exciting. so i'm going to start tomorrow (since it is already too late for today...i ate horribly today. now i need to exercise and potion control and watch what i put in my damn mouth. that's about all for now. Current Location: couch Current Mood: determined Tags: diet

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07:06 pm - another day Well i guess i haven't updated in a while. nothing much to update. i've been working my butt off the past week. i've been able to sleep a little more since they haven't scheduled me at the awful hour of 8am after i get home at 1:30am. those aren't fun days. i'm not as sick as i was a week or two ago. so things are looking on the upside. i think they are allergies since by now i would assume i would be better. the weather here is a little screwy going from super nice to cool to cold even. like every spring here in central new york. so i have two people leaving my part time job. ok let me correct that one is only working on sunday for the summer at least. she's cool and i enjoy working with her. i've been telling her that she can't just leave me like this. i know it probably makes her feel bad, but hey i'm going to miss her. then there is a guy that is moving to seattle to be with his fiance (or wife i don't know if he's married yet) for the summer. or at least this is what he saying. and of course i'm telling the managers that he's staying and he can't leave. i don't want him to leave. didn't know today was his last day and he gave me a hug and i was feeling like i was going to cry. it's not like i'm super close to either of these people but my attachment to people make me this way. i've always longed for consistancy and stability. i hate when people leave me and i hate when things change. those are two people that were there from the start (ok well the girl hasn't been there since the open but close enough). i just hate seeing great coworkers leave or cut hours. i know they have their reasons and i respect that. i'm just going to miss them like hell. my good old abandonment issue just raises hell in situations like this. damn my father for making me this way. though that's a different story for a different time. i don't feel like diving deep into my issues in this post. but attachment and abandonment are two issues i have had forever. so enough on the leaving of my friends. i don't have much else to say. it's friday and i'm pathetically at home being antisocial. anyone wanna come and keep me company feel free. Current Mood: lonely Tags: friends, issues, old navy

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April 13th, 2006

08:23 am today should be another fun day at work. i get to work at my part time job and work all day. it's great to know that they like me enough to schedule me for 20+ hours a week (doesnt sound like much but when it's your second job it is) and ask me to work on the day you requested off. they continue to lose people and i just don't get it. i understand that some people have issues with one of the managers but she's always been cool with me. i mean do what you need to do and you won't have any issues. so that's where i'm spending the majority of my time today. and then when i get home i'll probably be so tired that i'll pass out for a little while before i even consider doing anything. yeah and most of that anything is just going online and chatting with my friends. i would love for a few of them to come up and visit with me. i think it would be kind of cool to meet up in person. i don't know what my husband would think of it, but at this point of time i could give a shit lessi f he did care or not. we're not the best terms right now. and i'll probably make a private entry to let it off my chest because i haven't told anyone at all. i'm not ready to tell anyone anytime soon because i think a lot of people would question why i stayed with him. i don't know why i stayed with him some times. these are one of those times. just thinking of it makes it makes me cry. i hate it. i just need a good shoulder to cry upon and a nice tight hug. i need other things too but i won't go into them right now. so after i got some feedback on my last entry. i'm thinking that maybe tomorrow after work i go out for a drink or 6. i just need some time away from the computer as well as from work. i'm still sick, though i stopped taking anything when i ran out of nyquil and was too lazy to open up a new bottle of dayquil. yeah so it's my own damn fault. though i still think part of it is allergies. so hopefully i will be gone for a few hours tomorrow after work and hopefully my friend is bartending.it would be quite nice to see her again. it's been such a long time. she's busy with her job (which have completely different hours than me) and her foster baby, and her husband among probably a billion other things. i just need to stop being so damn introverted and actually make human friends, i love my online friends, but unless they magically appear in my town or close to it. they can only do so much. i'm just at that point where i am going to scream at the top of my lungs. well i'm rambling and well it's too early to ramble. i'm tired. i'm bored. i'm lonely. that's sums up the entire entry. Current Mood: lonely

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April 12th, 2006

09:38 am i'm so tired lately. i can't even begin to tell you the lack of sleep i've been going on for the past several days. working two jobs have killed me in so many ways. i'm not getting the sleep i should get to be able to drive home safely each and every night. isn't it bad when you don't remember parts of your drive home. i mean i thought i saw most of the road but when i jolt awake it seems, that's pretty bad. i have no more social life. i see my co workers and the kids more then i see anyone else in my life. i don't get to go out and have fun since i'm always doing something for work. my marriage seems to be taking a toll too. right now so many things are happening i don't even know if it's right anymore. i'm just so frustrated. i'm just so down right now. i feel like not much is going my way. i'm stressed about work and money (which are always obvious). i'm just so tired of being this way. but since i'm one of those people that don't make friends too easily, i got to try and keep the ones i have. and let me tell you, i haven't seen them in over a month or more. i'm just down. i just want to have some fun and laugh my head off. i need it. i want it. i crave it. i want to feel like a normal 26 year old. knowing i have some responsibilities but also the ability to have fun. i'm still young and not tied down to kids or anything. i want to have fun. i look to my life and realized it hasn't been the most fullfilling life i could have. oh well, nothing i can do about the past but the future is still mine to take hold of and have some fun. i am just rambling it seems. i don't really have much to say, or at least not outloud. maybe i'll do a friends only post sooner or later. when my thoughts get collected. not that many people read this anyways. there i go again....self depricating. damn being a psychology major. i know exactly what i'm doing when i'm doing it. soon i'll be throwing a pity party, in my room. all are welcomed to join me in it. it should be fun. really. come on it...lol. that's all for now Current Mood: sad

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March 23rd, 2006

08:44 pm - no sleep for the wicked the past week i've been running on little sleep. working two jobs has been killing me and i need the money so badly! i haven't had time to be social and even talk to my friends. i hate it so much. i am planning on going shopping this weekend and i hope that natalie will be able to go because i hate shopping by myself. which reminds me she never called back (like always). and i need to balance my check book so i can pay off my credit cards so i can use them. finally have a day off and i am going shopping. it's bad. my jeans are getting holes in them and today my bra wire decided it wanted to make an appearance from my bra. yeah not cool to have it happen at work. i had to keep pushing it back into the bra. luckily enough no one noticed. but i need new clothes even if my parents think differently. i have tons of clothes with the tags on them still but i don't care, i'll never wear them. i always buy new stuff. i just need to be comfortable at work and be able to move. i would love to dress up nicely but working with the kids that would never go well. also i finally got to watch harry potter. it was good. i can't remember much of what they left out since i haven't read the book in ages. but definitely a good movie. also if you get a chance go watch RENT! it definitely is one of the best movies i own (ok so i'm biased....i'm obssessed!). watch the special features about jonathan larson and you'll just cry because it's so sad. and there is the 10th anniverary this year and i want to go!!!! unfortunately i can't because i dont have a grand to drop on a ticket. i want to see the orginal cast and all but just don't have the money. i guess the first time round will have to do....and i didn't know i was going to be like this the first time i saw it way back in 1996. i'm so glad that i did...so everyone....go get it now!!!! ummmm.....what else to talk about. i can't think of anything. i lead such a boring life. if i had just half the entertainment my coworkers had i'd be so happy. but of course i'm just a boring loser...lol. oh well maybe i'll go out and have some fun some day. ok so that won't be happening really. ok so i'll stop now. Current Mood: bored

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January 8th, 2006

12:23 am - yay for belhurst i ate a yummy meal today. it was super huge and super expensive (for me usually anything over $12) but well worth it. I got to celebrate my birthday the right way, well at least a better way then i orginally did. my husband, friend and i went to eat dinner and spend forever in there. got some yummy things and took home some yummy things. all and all, yummy is the word for me today. i have yummy leftovers for me tomorrow yay! i'm a little buzzed off the sparkling wine i had tonight and all the chocolate that i managed to ingest today. yum yum yum!!!!! alrighty well other then my fasanation with behurst today, i haven't had much happening in my life. well besides my cysts being taken care of. finally after being in pain for two weeks i got them drained at the er. i couldn't be happier about them ( well besides not to have them at all). finally i can sit and relax a little bit more then before. still hurts to lie on them (haven't really tried and not going to for a while). but they are taken care of and ready to be on the road to recovery. well bill is on his way home. i should pick up the bed and start my way to getting ready for bed. i'm tired and hyper and wound up and ready to pass out all in one. this should be a fun time. alrighty then. off to bed for me. goodnight Current Mood: devious

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January 5th, 2006

11:35 am - what a week Well since i haven't updated since last year i figured that it was high time that i did. well lets see.... nothing really eventful happened until my birthday. i have been having lower back pain, mainly in my ass crack (don't have any other way of putting it really) so i decide that i should go have it looked at since it could be something that needed to be looked at. well i go in with the hopes it nothing serious. well i guess i was wrong. i was told i have Pilonidal cysts. great, wonderful, just get the pain away is all i thought. so i guess it's mainly something that happens in men. that its something that is there since birth (how fitting that i find this out on my birthday). so they tell me that they don't want to be extreme just yet. all i'm worried about is get the damn pain gone. so they told me they wanted to see me in 2 weeks. take some antibotics to help so there won't be an infection and take lots of baths. yeah that's something i can do, hold on kids i need to find a tub so i can take a bath to help with the pain and inflamation. give me a break. so i have been taking a bath a day and trying my best not to be in such pain. yesterday (december 31) i just couldn't take it. i got up to take my bath and the pain was so unbearable. i started to cry like a baby, whining and everything. i just wondered why God would let this happen to me after all i've been through this year. why do i have to be in such pain? why can't i enjoy my last few days of 2005. nope, not me, i was in major pain and the baths don't do too much for me. so yay, i got cysts and all i want is the pain to go away. i don't care if they never remove them, just stop the pain please. then on my birthday i figured my mom and grandma would be making me my dinner that i've been wanting forever. since they always make whatever my cousin wants at a drop of a dime. called them after i got out of the doctors. nope, didn't think i was coming over since i never finalized plans. well i told them that i had the day off and so did bill. how hard is it to make the dinner i asked for. it wasn't like i asked for some extensive meal or anything, just gnocchies. so they pissed me off and i started to get mad at them. crying and being miserable. it's my birthday and i got a sub and some cake my husband went out to get after i said i wanted one. i spent most of my day in bed feeling sorry for myself. my own family. didn't even call to wish me a happy birthday, didnt make me a meal and then thinks i'm going to stop over. nope. not going to bother. if they don't want to do something nice for my birthday, why should i go out of my way to go visit. i'm not asking for another thing from them. let my cousin get everything. i'm done. then yesterday while at on my lunch break from Old Navy i was walking over to get my food when i fell. oh yeah, trying to avoid my knee didn't work. that's the one i fell on as well as my butt. you can imagine the pain i felt, even though the cysts didn't act up or hurt at all. my pants were soaked and i did my best not to cry. the parking lot was ice under the thin layer of snow that the plows left. luckily enough there were some nice older people that helped me get up and walked me back to the store so i could ask to go get changed. my boss was nice enough to let me go, and while i was home another manager called and said since it was slow and that i made a comment that my knee hurt me that she said i could stay home. yay, i got to sleep and relax a little bit. i was happy even though i felt like shit and my knee and butt hurt me. i only made 4 hours of time and i'm going to be needing those paychecks. boy i hate when the hours get cut. but anything will help right about now. i just need some extra money to get back on my feet. Which leads me to today. of course i had to work so i didn't get to do much last night. sucked really. but that's alright i wasn't in the mood to actually do anything at all. so my coworker since she's started this shift and this house hasn't been able to get her butt here on time. not that it really matters to me, i'm here on time and ready to go. i'm just one of those people that hate knowing that others aren't able to do the same. i live an hour away and i can make it here, so should everyone else. get your butt in gear. come now. how hard is it? i mean not once has she been on time or early. always late and no one has said anything to her about this. i wish i was one of those people that could say something but i'm the passive agressive type. i'll say something but not your face or i'll make comments but nothing directly. i'm horrible really i am. maybe someday i'll get assertive and be able to stand up for things like that. pick your battles i guess. i watched a lot of movies this week. most of them good and some of them that sucked. i guess i've been in the movie type of mood lately. everything from scary to comedy, to action/adventure to god knows what. i just have been watching movies. i got some for christmas and i bought some with my birthday money. so i was a happy little girl. though i'm going to have to start watching my older movies that i haven't even unwrapped yet. those are always the entertaining ones to look at. the ones that you buy but never have watched and never have opened them. yup, i'll need to do that soon. now i'm just rambling. i don't know what else to say. i have so much that i probably can write but i figure i'll write about it later when i actually have a lot more topics to write about. now i'm jut bidding my time until i get to go home which will be in almost 2 hours. unless someone is going to relieve me at midnight so i can go home on time. i don't think it will happen but you never know. wow i should stop or i'm just going to ramble on more and more. alrighty. that's it. i'm tired and bored. time for me to find something else to do. Current Mood: working

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December 27th, 2005

10:55 am - i'm tired yup that sums up everything basically. christmas eve: i worked until 3 then went to visit my parents for about a half hour since they were out the door to go to church, and you can't be late to church or you'll have to stand up. can't have that, no. so i told them to go and i'll lock up if i need to. though i didn't, i was out before they left. i should go back to church sometime. just don't think i can stand the crying and screaming of children's mass and i can't keep myself awake for midnight mass. so i drive home to take a nap until Bill gets home. Felt like crap but was ready to head out to Bill's family. we ate leftovers (yummy!) and opened presents. I got two dvd's and a bottle of alcohol (yay). so i was all set. we then got home and opened presents. got tons of interesting and useful stuff. maybe at some point i will list them off but it was mainly dvd's, candy and appliances. it was alright, the kitties got tons of stuff like usual. we spoil them, they're our children until i have some real ones. Christmas: yay work, ok that's a lie. so i get there early, the other person is LATE. i was rather upset that i can get there on time, why can't someone else. then they made me go to a cottage with horrible kids because they didn't want to do it. worked with a person with a HEAVY accent. i didn't understand her at all and she was shit to work with. didn't inform me she couldn't pass meds, why not, you were trained, you should be able to. otherwise how do you work there? but i was able to make the cookies and watch a movie or two. it was alright for not spending any time with family and friends. yesterday: had to do a transport. had to go to buffalo and then to tyrone ny. this trip was probably goint to take an average of 7 hours. that's if i drove the speed limit and knew where i was going. well i left at 2:30 and i didn't get back until about 12:15. that wasn't 7 hours, and i was about to go insane. the roads were getting shitty by the time i got back to campus which slowed me down a lot. i got lost because of the stupid directions. had to back track and all that jazz. i wasn't pleased. then the person expects me to do the inventory. you have 15 minutes bitch. you do it. why do i have to. stupid people. i wanted to kick her ass. just because you're boyfriend is there means you can't do shit and suddenly you don't know what we do at the cottage. if you worked more then 2 days a week, you might know things. wow i have a few choice words for some people. this leads me to today. i'm tired and just don't want to do a damn thing. i want to curl up in my bed and just sleep. my birthday is in 2 days and it seems no one really cares. they have already given me the cards and presents probably. i don't get anything with this birthday thing right after christmas. lucky me probably will get christmas paper and something leftover from christmas. why couldn't i wait until january to pop out? why do i have to be right after christmas. it sucks. so here's to another wonderful day at the hell hole. i'm in a horrible mood. only a few things will bring me out of this mood. i don't know if i'll get what i need. oh well, i suck big time. here's to another memoriable day. Current Mood: cranky

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December 24th, 2005

11:47 pm - Merry Christmas Since i won't be around for Christmas, thought i would wish everyone an early safe one. I get to work with the kids all day long. i do get to go to the Ramada Inn and get a nice brunch. Other than that i don't see any real perks of working on Christmas. I know, it should give me a reality check. But i didn't do anything wrong to get myself in placement, why punish me? I got cookies, movies and popcorn all ready for tomorrow. I should have some fun if i'm going to be working. I'll probably have miserable people so might as well make the best of it. I'm tired and i already celebrated christmas today. I got some really nice presents. I be able to use some tomorrow at work (movies) and listen to some new music in the car (yay for cds). the other things will be used at home since some where practical. I still have my birthday coming up so i should be getting some more nice presents or at least money instead of the presents so i can pay bills and whatnot. alrighty, i'll update again soon. i'm tired and i'm rambling. Merry Christmas!!! Current Mood: tired

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December 23rd, 2005

08:56 pm - lalalala Had to be up at the butt crack of dawn to go to work today. I was at work and it was still dark out. I mean when the alarm went off i was a little confused to why i was getting up so early. The people that closed yesterday obviously didn't know how to close up and make sure the store looked neat. Though it didn't take long to make the women's section looking fabtabious! Then it was off to the registers for me. I love working them, everyone else wants to be on the floor, backroom or fitting room. i just love talking to the customers and what not. I did a super job as always. I had someone tell me that they love me because they got approved for a credit card and they were all giggly. I mean i don't have any say in if you get approved or not, but i'll take it. I must have at least got 6 cards today. I'll have to find out tomorrow. i was moving those like no other. No as good as some of the other people, but a person super de duper for me. so i was in a good mood when i left work. I came home to just fall asleep and feel like crap afterward. So now here i am sitting around, being so unproductive and bored. I was hoping that one of my unreliable friends would have wanted to go out and do something. Of course why would they want to do that. I need to broaden my horizons so i can make new friends that will actually be there when I need them, not when it's convinent for them. i'm cold and lonely. though i don't see what is different then any other time. I just think i'm getting my S.A.D on again. this damn weather and little light. I just want to be happy for once and enjoy it. Well it looks like Christmas will be celebrated a day early for me. I get to spend 15.5 hours with kids at work. So i basically don't get to spend christmas with my family. I guess it's only fair in some twisted way. I mean these kids don't get to, maybe i need a good dose of reality to make me appreciate what i have and they don't. I just dont' want to have to have that during christmas. So i'll be making the best of it by making cookies and watching movies and doing all sorts of fun things if i can. Otherwise i don't know what i will do if i sit and stare at the kids all day. though they will not be making anything if i get moved to another cottage. I want to reap the benefits of doing that not everyone else that doesn't want to help. Alrighty, well i'm going to go back to watching crappy tv and debating if i want to call my friend just to talk. I feel like half the time i'm a pest more then anything else. Do i really need to call almost everyday? i would say yes if i actually had something to talk about, but since i'm horrible at making conversation then i guess i should at least have some things to talk about before i call anyone. Either way, i'm bored and need to find something to keep me productive. Current Mood: depressed

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December 22nd, 2005

08:22 pm - My friend My friend of course is unreliable. i was suppose to met up with her today and hang out. something we haven't done in ages. i gave her a shout twice and she said she'd call me back. did she? nope, i should have expected that the moment she said it. i guess i was hoping for something other than shopping alone and wrapping presents. now i'm bored, cold and lonely. i need to find friends closer to me or friends that are more reliable and faithful. oh well what can i do. i've been a doormat for most of my life it seems. good old reliable Melissa, there whenever you need her. for once, can't someone be there for me when i need them? is it so hard to ask? i guess so. well now i'm off to watch some crappy tv before i head to bed early tonight, since tomorrow i work at 7am. Current Mood: cold

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12:57 pm - early ideas for new years resolutions 1. the usual lose 50 pounds but i might actually do it this year 2. be able to schedule my knee surgery or get my muscles strong enough so i can do "normal" things 3. not be so over reactive and dramatic about things i can't control 4. be happy with what i have and what i'm doing 5. make a dent in my debt 6. go on a vacation/honeymoon 7. stop being so depressed all the time will have to add to this list later and finally figure which ones are able to be kept and maintained throughout the year. alright time to get dressed and go out shopping. Current Mood: bored

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09:43 am - these damn dreams alright it's the third in the series. yes last night i had a horrible dream, nowhere comparable to a nightmare, just disturbing for me to have. it involved that damn phone that connects to the one invisible person i hate. yes hate is a strong word. but that's how i feel about this invisible person that i only know in name. you would think that through all these dreams, i would get the hint to what my brain wants me to do. stop listening to my foolish heart and move on. stop doing what i'm doing every day and just drop it all. just move on. why should this hurt me like it does? because i guess somewhere down the line i asked for more pain in my life. and i certainly got what i asked for because the pain sometimes is unbearable. yuppers, my life a big drama because i make it that way. alright, time for me to wrap presents or just chill for a bit. updates will come later. Current Mood: confused

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December 21st, 2005

10:32 pm - snowy days well yesterday i had the day off from work. i planned on going to syracuse and do some shopping for Bill and what not. i was also planning on meeting up with my friend to catch a movie. sounds like an easy day and fun if the other shoppers don't stress me out. well it turns out differently then i had expected. so my friend's mother calls to ask if i can come pick up their car and since she doesn't drive. no problem, heading out that way anyways. so that was just fine and dandy. it was not even 6 and i had plenty of time to go shopping. then we had to pick up her husband (i think....never asked seems a bit interesting), easy to find even with the snow coming down. then we had to wait for him to actually come out. this is after waiting for a curtesy car and then having to stand around for everything to be explained. so he had plenty of time to get ready. then we had to drive up to the hosiptal so we can drop off my friend's hat and gloves since she forgot them. they must have been insane when they designed that hospital. the circle is tight and not big enough for all the cars. here i go starting to get a little flustered. i'm bad at road rage, and i hate it especially during the snow season. driving is always not fun. then we picked up some gifts and dropped my friends dad off (still don't know the situation). so that's fine. we get to the mall. PACKED! trying to first find a handicap parking space was out of the question. Dropped my friend's mom off as i continued to search out any parking space that didn't require me to go back home. So my blood is starting to boil just a little. and my head is starting to hurt. so as i hit the mall after walking in the cold, i remember that my coupons are in my car. i figured i would drop of her mom and go shopping. i didn't expect to be taking her to the mall. i was finally getting a little more frustrated then i needed to be. then i hit the post office. OH MY GOD! yes i think my brain just snapped and was doing everything in my power not to go off on her mother. i'm not good with crowdedness and what not. it didn't help to have to go back and forth to find the right mailers. by the time we got to the front of the line i just didn't want to do anything anymore but get home. i didn't want to shop, i didn't want to try on clothes. i just wanted to curl up in a little ball and try to get better. i think her mom wanted to shop, i just don't think i could take it. i would have gone off on someone. i really do believe that. so we went home and i took some advil to get rid of the headache and rested by trying to figure out where petsmart is. then it was time to venture out to get my friend at work. i suggested that i could just go so her mom didn't need to get all dress again. so basically just freaked out a little when i picked my friend up. just let everything out. it felt good, probably better if i just cried a little, but i will save that for the important stuff. so we venture out to find the pet store in crappy weather. thought we do find it easily. we should have put on the show for the asian girl in the next lane but we refrained ourselves (or at least i did). we went shopping. found some things for the kitties and then for Bill. It was fun, though a little stressful. we caught a movie and we were like 2 out of 7. always nice not to have a crowded theater. and the seats are super comfy. so the weather isn't getting any better and i'm getting tired. of course lets go to walmart. i think i was lucky i could even make it there and function. bought some more things and tried to keep away from her mom. then they wanted to eat, now i'm tired, and my stomach hurts from the popcorn at the movies ( let me tell you, that was a lot of popcorn, i shit you not). the last thing i want is food, but i eat anyways. so after all is said and done. we get home. can't find a parking space. so i park between the buildings. i'm worried all night thinking my car is going to get towed. then i get to sleep in my friend's bed, the people downstairs are making tons of noise and i get a second wind. so i get four hours of sleep maybe. i guess that's what happens. i was hoping that she would come and chat with me or something. i hate sleeping in new places. i should have found a stuff animal or something. i know kiddy but definitely something reassuring about it. i'll have to remember that next time i stay some place. bring something from home to comfort me at night. so lately i've been having this odd dreams. i should be a little worried since they involve people i know and care about (well the last one directly, the first one indirectly). they aren't good dreams, i'm doing horrible things in them. i know it's my subconsious working out issues, but seriously, they are messed up dreams. i just don't enjoy having all those thoughts going through my brain. i should be happy in the situation i'm in. i should happy with everything and yet, these dreams tell me otherwise. i think i just need something to occupy my brain and shift it off the subject that it's been racking at for the past billion months (ok so not a billion but about a half a year now). i'm tired and lonely right now. My husband is at work and i have no one to cuddle with. My birthday is coming up and i hope to celebrate it the right way. i don't even know what i want for my birthday. most of the things i want are definitely way to hard to get. alright, now that i've recapped a day and gotten myself depressed even when i had a pretty good time. i'm going to watch tv and veg for a little while. that's all. Current Mood: exhausted

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